Tens of years

2012.July 9th. Sabah-Taiping. My heart is light. My head is clear. I will come for u my love.We will do it together. If its torture i will cry but tears wont kill. Only time can. Its been a year since this little egg cracked open. 8 months to be exact. How many ten years do we have? How much energy i have left? Think little bird think. Go if ur feet feels like pushing off, fly if ur wings are shining Waste no time. Swim in the open sea, get lost be free then find your way to whr u shud be. Look, open ur eyes big. see the world change while u stay still, see how people pass by. Some, with a purpose, most with none. Live on the edge, dont waste space If u fall, remember humpty dumpty sat on a wall. Dont u call me stupid, dont u dare call me weak. I am strong to do wht i am about to do. I chase my wish. I dare to risk. Put ur two feet in my shoes, loose the voice, walk the path i chose before. walk. Walk. Walk. Walk.walk. WALK I SAY WALK U WALK u walk u walk. And no matter how far how high u get, whats keeping u alive, whats beating against ur ribs will not repair itself, it will still bleed. U try to hold it, to press it tight but nothing. I will never ask for more It couldnt have been better We've had ice creams n chicken chops, birthdays n goodbyes, up cameron n long highways, tennis n books, airports n table talks, laughters n door slams today i am who i am. A thousand apologies will never ease a daughter's guilt But please forgive, please understand, you've found your path your place on earth, you have each other, i have not. For every fathers wish for his daughters is a man to take over And you've lived your tens of years, i have not. A friend asked just in time. Its now or never i realized. A sister showed me then  That happiness is gold n money only steel, so we will use steel to built a home and enter and smear it with gold love songs are not just love songs They were sung by boys and girls Every song has touched my soul I'm fighthing a loosing battle, i cant do this alone, i want to go home. I dont want to wish i've said 'i love you' more I dont want to wish i've given him more hugs If your plane had almost crashed If you've heard tires screech If you're 30 n still searching If ur 50 and u have no stories If ur 80 and you're dying Then u will see the fear i have I am not just a doctor, i am a woman and someone's now Tell them tell them with pride, that i am leaving the crowd for the love of adventure, for the adventure of love and to live a life i can truly say i've lived when i'm old. A choice has been made, the responsibility is all mine.  God shave the queen, God save my ass. Goodnight.

scribbles of 8 months

Right this moment i am in a bus. Its gonna head to klia and then i'll be on a flight to sabah. Thr obvious thing is that i am not going to work, there's no blood taking, no reviewing patients, no need to worry if any new patients will enter the ward at the time i am suppose to go home. And i pity the other housemans that are working for the week. I still cant figure out what exactly is it thats so forced about going to work. When i was in school i had imagined myself in a working suit, in heels, very smart n pretty and confident and looking great by the end of each day, going home with my makeup still holding up. It is so different what really is happeneing right now. my imagination hasnt happened and i dont think it will ever be like that. And these are thought s on a good day, on a holiday.
 
Its been 8 monthd now workiing in the same department, still in my first posting, that means i have 5 more postings to go and i got stuck already right in the beginning. Thats 2 years minimum before i get mylife back with shek. Shek. Where my heart and head is with.
4 months ago i promised i wouold write into my blog. Let everything out. All my frustrations, dissapointment and shame. The bus is bobbing about on the road and i am feeling giddy . I will continue my scribble on the highway.
 
 Am now in baskin robbins , my first time here. Thats the good thing of working. U no longer feel guilty paying for over priced stuffs coz somedays the work is not much and you think, hey, i got paid for nothing, so its okay to spend some.
 
So i was sitting in the bus, partially sleeping, most of the time still deep in my thoughts. I look at the bus driver and i wonder, again and again like a habit for the past 8 months, if everybody else is less stressed abour work, if driving a bus, serving a drink, typing letters, cleaning the floor is a job much easier than mine. Is it really easy or its justplain boring? Is difficult exciting? My bro had come back and he just told me that i should be very lucky to have a job like mine because most jobs are really what u call routine, a repeat of the same thing everyday. Would thatbe depressing or i would be having a great time. Getting better doing the same damn thing, perfecting it in a short time.
This expensive cofee is really no good. Should have bought ice cream instead.
 
I have landed in the airport and i see the the arrivals and i see myself, my dad waiting for shek and his mther and i wished so hard that we could repeat all those times again, just once more. But all tht is to do is to just msg shek n tell him tht i miss him as always. I do miss him all the time. Sometimes i wonder
 if even a day is worth living without him by my side.
So i rub off the memories, theres no point living in them anymore. Nothing can be done right now except living day by day waiting. I have nothing to look forward to except the days where i would wake up with shek by my side, just like sundays in russia, in port saida, times i now feel i didnt appreciate him enough, times i had the chance but did not tell him i love him so much and times i did not feel as precious as i now feel today, everyday for a long long time more to come. I have been lonely, very very lonely, with nobody to touch or hug or kiss, and i wonder if my family were more like an american family with hugs n kissess n sweet words would i still feel like this without shek.
 I can tear up thinking of shek and me and if we will make it and our lovestory would be much greater than any couple we know, and it will be so great, a love so strong our greatgrandkids will talk about us even when we are gone. I remember having the opinion that i would be a strong successfull independant woamn one day without having the need of a man or a family and those women that only end up s housewives are shallow women with no strength of thier own. I am wrong an d and i know it now. Its a feelng u cannot brush away. Having a man who thinks you are the best girl in the world makes u feel like u are the best girl in the world and nothing can beat that feeling.
 
Mom and dad have been of great great support. I hope they know how i feel. As a woman i think mom knows best. She told me to just go visit shek in mauritius even though i was in such deep shit at that time with my extension lurking about, the question of what lies in the future the consequences of repeating the whole goddamn thing again as if i have done nothing for the past 4 months. I am really grateful for mom. I am free from all housechores because she home taking care of all my needs. The story of a houseman who comitted suicide scared her even more. I have complained less. Partly because i can do my work better and also partly because it wouldnt make sense to complain about the same things. If it was normal i would give my mom a hug everyday.
But for the past 4 months i have been leaning more and more to the thought of following my heart, follow shek. Be where he is, quit everything, be selfish, be totally dependant on him. And give no explanatn to nooone. When i imagine myself tied to shek, living now in mauritius, feeling bored once more, i doubt the whole thing. I doubt if i would be happy. I doubt if i have the guts to risk eveyrthing. There's only one thing stopping me. The thought that i might be unhappy again, that i willmiss malaysia and my family and there's no turning back ever if i quit now. And shek had said "come" but he might go be a pilot anytime though i doubt that happening in the next year. I just know i need a change. Shek tells me its because i am still stuck in medical right now and things will chnage for me when i am out from it. I believe him. If shek says it will be better then it willbe better. I just need to be patient. Just take it day by day until i see shek again. Then everything will be really okay. Shek wants me to finish my housemanship then go over. Thats the plan for me and i have no other choice. I cant reason. Love has no reasons. I have no choice but i feel the road less taken is for me.
 
Am lying now in sabah specifically on lifen zhens bed for an afternoon nap. I really envy these two. They get to be together, share thoughts, gv support. I think they are really happy. Content. Unlike me. I wish i too can wake up, sigh aloud, kiss shek, give his round head a rub, take a last breath of his scent then go to work happy.
 
I've just met khiong. He feels just the sameas me. Thoughts of a better life, a change of job still liurking about in his head. But zhen says to hang on just like very other houseman. If i think positive, it is the correct choice but if i still follow my heart, its in mauritius.